Cocooning

co-coon-ing  n.  Retreat into the seclusion of one's own home during leisure time, as for privacy or escape

We've spent months reading literature, watching DVDs and talking to fellow adoptive parents about attachment.  This is one of the most important aspects of adoption on which all adoptive parents should become educated.  We could bore you with all we've learned, the details about brain waves, neuro-development, the unspoken language between a child and his/her parents, but we will spare you the details.  Just know that it's important and that a better part of James' mental and emotional well being for the rest of his life depends on it.  At least, that's what the experts and years of research tell us so we're going to go with it.  

Attachment doesn't just happen.  As much as we might like to think so, James has not been waiting for us to come and get him.  As a matter of fact, he looks quite happy right now.  He's comfortable with his environment and the people that have been taking such good care of him for the better part of his life.  I doubt he's thinking that he can hardly wait to take 3 plane rides and spend nearly 24 hours, let alone the rest of his life, with people he's never met.  We'll sound, look and smell funny to him and he'll wonder where his "family" went.  We have to show him that he can trust us and that we are his last stop.  That we are his family.  He has to be secure in his relationship with us and learn that we are his parents.  He has to attach.  Here is where cocooning comes in.  

After we arrive home, we plan to cocoon for at least one week.  Just the two of us, Maggie and James.  No visitors, no outings, no parties. Just some very low key time for him to get used to everything that's new to him.  After approximately one week home, we'll gladly welcome visitors in very small numbers, but they will not be able to hold James at this time.  

By the fourth week, people will be able to hold James for short periods of time and we will be able to increase the holding time from there depending on his reaction to all of this.  All the while, we will be working on attachment exercises and activities. We'll be holding him and cuddling, feeding him if he'll let us, changing him, giving him any presents and, in general, meeting all of his needs for an undetermined period of time. We'll need to try this. We have nothing to lose, and he has everything to gain.      

A friend sent us a letter on an attachment that does a nice job of explaining attachment parenting to others.  We've customized it to James and thought we would share:

Dear Family and Friends, 

It's been great preparing for the arrival of our son. Yes, there has been paperwork and more paperwork (not always fun), but decorating James' room, preparing a photo album for him, buying a few clothes - and receiving fantastic hand-me-downs from friends - and talking with Maggie has brought us such hope and joy.

While all of these steps have been exciting and necessary, we have also learned that even more important is the emotional health of our new child.  In his short life, our son will have gone through more changes and life altering experiences than most adults could handle.  While James may not consciously remember these events, research shows that infants and young children experience immense loss, including feelings of grief and trauma.  

James has already experienced the loss of a birthmother and will soon experience the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers, a nurturing child care agency, as well as the sights, smells, and language of his birth country.  His world is about to turn upside down as he (hopefully) makes adjustments to his third set of caregivers and his first big sister. He will undoubtedly struggle once again with feeling safe and secure. He may lack the ability to trust that we will meet his needs, and our goal as his new parents is to assure him that we will.  We are prepared to meet James' emotional and physical needs so he learns that we will always take care of him and we will always keep him safe.  

The attachment process between a new baby and his or her biological parent(s) takes place over time.  Every infant is born with the ability to attach, and this attachment begins and continues to develop as the instinct within the baby’s brain is awakened and strengthened through baby/parent interaction.  In order to form a strong and healthy attachment, we will allow James to regress as needed so that he has the opportunity to go through all of the emotional stages with us as his new parents, despite his chronological age.  Until he has learned that we are his parents, we will need to be his primary caretakers at all times.  While it may appear that we are spoiling him, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every cry and need quickly and consistently.  It is essential that we always hold him, feed him, and do all of the nurturing.  You may wonder how long this will take, but the timeline is different for every child.  We will follow James' lead and trust our instincts as his parents rather than worry about what society expects. 

We have all been waiting anxiously for James to arrive but he has not been waiting for us.  As a matter of fact, he has settled in quite nicely in his surroundings in the Philippines and has become quite comfortable with the caregivers by whom he is surrounded.  Once in our care, he may show his grief and confusion in many ways and we are prepared to help him through it and prove that we are a forever family and that this truly is his last stop.  We trust that as our family and friends you will help us to do what is best for James, and we thank you in advance for your support and understanding. 

Love,

Keith, Amy and Maggie